Messy, rambled thoughts

Was Aristotle the one who said life is about the pursuit of happiness?

So how come we spend so much time doing things that we don't like? Why can't we spend more time being happy and less time trying to be?

Who's to say what we're doing is right or wrong? Why must we care about what others think and whether we're being the norm? Why must we feel compelled to do what we're expected to do and be afraid to be labeled 'different' or 'weird'? Why is there peer pressure? Why is hard to be ourselves?

I think the questions just proved that I'm too self-conscious and care too much about what others think. But sometimes I can't help it. 鱼和熊掌真的不能兼得吗？

It's hard to change even though I'm well aware of my weaknesses. I don't like to approach people and initiate small talk. I'm too introverted when I'm around people I don't know well. I'm afraid to take risks. I hate awkwardness and embarrassement. I'm indecisive and easily swaywed. I'm afraid to say no.

I came here to remove myself from my comfort zone. And frankly sometimes I do feel like fish out of water. It's not like I'm unhappy, and I do enjoy my classes even though I stress over exams and assignments. It's not easy. There are so many things to learn, academically, socially, and life in general, living alone and stuff. I guess it's because I'm still not used to the new environment and people and all, but sometimes I wonder if I ever will.

I know that I'm a fortunate person. Maybe I complain too much. But seriously, I find myself spending much more time trying to be happy, rather than being happy. Does that even make sense?

I'm not emo, I just think too much.

On a side note, Grace's entry about bullying reminded me of something that happened to me during Freshmen Orientation. We were sitting in our assigned groups eating breakfast (buffet style), I put my apple into my bag cause I was full and didn't want to eat it then. A girl, Cat, asked our group leader who just joined us if it was ok for us to take food out of the cafeterias, he said yes we could. She questioned further if it was ok if it's like a buffet thing, he replied yes. Only then that I realized she was talking about me! I was quite shocked and embarrassed, but didn't say anything. I don't know if she sincerely wanted to ask or she wanted our leader to say it's wrong so I would feel ashamed. Couldn't she tell me directly instead? Quite a memorable experience. XD